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Posts Tagged ‘twins’

My husband has been gone a mere 3 days, and already I am half blind and in desperate need of one of those Styrofoam neck braces. Oh, and I have a huge egg on my forehead. I turn 30 next week. I don’t think I’m going to make it.

The crazy thing is: mentally, I’m fine. But physically, the girls have literally kicked my ass. The eye thing is really annoying, especially since I don’t know how it happened. The babies are always poking, clawing, pulling on me (the necklines of my t-shirts are at my belly button) so I’m sure that’s how the eye was injured, and it was probably Mumu – she always goes for the eyes. I just have no recollection of that particular poke. The result of the dirty baby finger going where it doesn’t belong is a very red, sore, constantly streaming right eye. I’m squinting with one eye as I type this, the other clamped shut. I’m officially Pirate Mommy. Aggrrr me hearties, the scallywags’ done it again!

My twin shoulder has migrated upward to become twin neck. If I turn my head to look over my shoulder I have an overwhelming urge to scream obscenities, it hurts so flippin much. Also my head aches because I accidentally whacked it on the corner of the windowsill in the nursery while I tried to simultaneously unplug the brookstone baby lullaby maker (if I don’t unplug they suck the end of the cord) and balance Lulu on my knee. The end result : a big egg on the forehead and a constant state of befuddlement. Lulu and Mumu have undoubtedly sensed my new frailties and seek to exploit them. With only half my vision, a head injury, and no use of my neck, I have become much slower to see/catch on to naughty baby behavior. I have been spending my days picking bird poop, clumps of grass, mud, and my personal favorite, a caterpillar cocoon, out of the girls mouths. I need to procure a parrot for my shoulder as soon as possible to compensate for the lack of peripheral, back, and right side vision, as well as the obvious diminished mental capacity. But for now, I just need to survive…

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The other day we watched the hilarious DVD that came with our Ergo baby carrier. We popped it in the DVD player for the hell of it, and we were not disappointed; it was crazy.

The plot was selling Ergo not as a baby carrier, but as a “lifestyle.” Most of it was shot in a yoga studio and at a natural foods/superdooperorganic market. I could probably write about 20 pages about this video, but I will try to stick to the highlights.

My favorite portion was the part where several individuals who were clearly yogamasters in their own right did a series of gnarly, human-pretzel maneuvers with real babies. The goal was to show how one can change the position of the carrier and baby simultaneously and in mid-air. Front to back, back to front, back to side, side to side (actually they didn’t do that one, serious oversight there) were achieved by parents popping their arms out of their sockets and babies dangling precariously as a tornado of snaps, straps and buckles whirled and re-arranged around them. Now I love the Ergo carrier, don’t get me wrong, but I never attempt this shiz without a spotter, and I’m a former gymnast for chrissake. These yogi peeps were serious cowboys. My favorite was a lady who said (I’m summarizing) : I used to worry about the baby falling out, and I’d only reconfigure the carrier over a soft surface, but now I’ll do it anywhere. I’ll do it over concrete! I do it over concrete all the time! I was just waiting for her to come out with, “Hell, I’ll do it over a pack of dobermans!”

Those moves were gnarly though. It reminded me of standing at the Kittery Trading Post buying snowshoes (back in the no-babies days when I used to blow my tax refund on snowshoes and ferrets) and the shop assistant holding out two pairs of snowshoes to my husband and I, saying, “If you’re going to do something gnarly, you’ll want these, but if you’re going to do something really gnarly, you’ll want these.” We opted for the shoes more moderate in both price and gnarliness (as I mentioned in an earlier post, we’re not cool, if you didn’t already figure that out from the fact we used to keep ferrets) and blew the rest of the refunds on something else I’m sure.

So Ergo is as gnarly as I get these days, and based on what I saw on that video, I’ve got no game whatsoever.

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Drat, we’re down to the elitist diapers. I hate it when that happens.

Months ago, some kind-hearted friends gave us a big bag of diapers in varying sizes their little tot outgrew before they could be used. Most of these diapers were of the expensive, super-eco, biodegradable, chlorine-free variety, which got me excited because I love anything free, especially things that are expensive. Oh, and green. Sigh. I would love to me more green, if only I were wealthier and more elitist. Anyway, I was all pumped to try these Prius-driving, rich people dipes. Then I pulled them out of their bag (which is not biodegradable, fyi) and cringed. They do not make a good impression.

First of all, they are of a sad brown color from the lack of chlorine. You would think this doesn’t matter, I mean they’re going to hold poop, right? But it does matter. It matters big, yo. They look dingy and cheap. Actually, they look and feel a lot like the chafey brown waxy toilet paper we had to use in Catholic school. I’m all for offering it up to God, and all that, but I think the twins are a little young to start working off their original sin.

I might overlook their sad appearance if they worked. They don’t. I swear, the pee just goes right through them. A bandanna’s got better pee retention than these jokers. And the poop? Well, you can just imagine. No, you don’t have to, I’ll tell you. The elastic portion of the dipes that’s suppose to fit snugly around the legs never attaches correctly. Its all slack, all the time, and the poopey leaks out, leaving excrement mudd puddles to deal with wherever the little cherub sits.

Now that I’ve run out of functioning diapers, I’m left with these flimsy, non-business-holding, no better than your grandmother’s hankie, I’m green because I can afford to be and can hire a poor undocumented worker to change them every 5 seconds so I can keep up appearances, diapers, and not even a prayer of keeping the poop at bay. Does anyone know the patron saint of poopey diapers? Have my years of using scratchy brown Catholic school toilet paper and my twins day and a half use of eco-diapers bought us some divine intervention?

Okay, I’m having way to much fun here, so I better wrap it up. He he, I kid (a lot) about greelitists and their wares, but I am, believe it or not, fully supportive of all things green. It just gets my organic goat when people get sanctimonious about it, since at this point green is a lifestyle that few can truly afford. Therefore, I don’t think people should be waving their eco-products around like bling (that means you, people who drive their Priuses like BMWs, and BMW drivers, you stop it too), and lecturing others from atop their free-trade, free-range high horses. When eco diapers and cars and everything else are sound and affordable, we should all buy them. Until that day, stop flagellating yourself over filling landfills with dirty diapers, Mommies of the world. Not only are eco diapers too expensive, they are crap. Literally. You’ll waste more water, energy, and time cleaning up after them. Instead, pray for a brighter, greener future. Invest in the science that can make it happen. Volunteer at organizations that clean up our open spaces. Buy the green products that you can afford, that work, and don’t listen to the Prius-driving greelitists, what do they know, their diapers are poop.

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