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Posts Tagged ‘baby twins turn you into a pirate’

My husband has been gone a mere 3 days, and already I am half blind and in desperate need of one of those Styrofoam neck braces. Oh, and I have a huge egg on my forehead. I turn 30 next week. I don’t think I’m going to make it.

The crazy thing is: mentally, I’m fine. But physically, the girls have literally kicked my ass. The eye thing is really annoying, especially since I don’t know how it happened. The babies are always poking, clawing, pulling on me (the necklines of my t-shirts are at my belly button) so I’m sure that’s how the eye was injured, and it was probably Mumu – she always goes for the eyes. I just have no recollection of that particular poke. The result of the dirty baby finger going where it doesn’t belong is a very red, sore, constantly streaming right eye. I’m squinting with one eye as I type this, the other clamped shut. I’m officially Pirate Mommy. Aggrrr me hearties, the scallywags’ done it again!

My twin shoulder has migrated upward to become twin neck. If I turn my head to look over my shoulder I have an overwhelming urge to scream obscenities, it hurts so flippin much. Also my head aches because I accidentally whacked it on the corner of the windowsill in the nursery while I tried to simultaneously unplug the brookstone baby lullaby maker (if I don’t unplug they suck the end of the cord) and balance Lulu on my knee. The end result : a big egg on the forehead and a constant state of befuddlement. Lulu and Mumu have undoubtedly sensed my new frailties and seek to exploit them. With only half my vision, a head injury, and no use of my neck, I have become much slower to see/catch on to naughty baby behavior. I have been spending my days picking bird poop, clumps of grass, mud, and my personal favorite, a caterpillar cocoon, out of the girls mouths. I need to procure a parrot for my shoulder as soon as possible to compensate for the lack of peripheral, back, and right side vision, as well as the obvious diminished mental capacity. But for now, I just need to survive…

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